I don't know.

"I don't know how you swallow all I am, when I can't stand my taste".

That is how I feel right now.

In the past year, for some reason, God has taught me a lot about grace and how much of it has been bestowed upon me.  What a blessing.  While reflecting on that, I become somewhat scared, knowing that because of these revelations about grace that I was having, I would soon need to become focused on my sin and the evil in my life.  Obviously, this did not excite me.  I loved, so much, learning about grace and finding it more and more obvious in my life.  Grace is a happy thing to learn about, something that is intriguing and life changing.  In my mind, I assumed that I could never be focused on such a happy topic for so long.  At some point I would have to focus on the hard things.  SIN.  For some reason, I thought that this would all be very bad, and that I would hate learning these things.  I could not have been more wrong.

Quite recently, I have been faced with the thought of my sin.  Not only that I have it, but sins in my life specifically, that I have hidden from God and myself.  I am naturally a very self sufficient person.  I do not like to talk about my sin with anyone.  Including myself.  So at first, when all of these things were coming at me, I hated it.  I got so overwhelmed, thinking that there was no way I could ever even begin to fix these things in my life.  I HATE it.

I was stupid.

In learning about my sin, I have come to hate it.  Which only makes God more amazing.  The fact that He loves me despite it.  How can He love someone that has all of these hate worthy qualities.  It is hard for me not to hate myself sometimes.  When I think about everything that is wrong with me.  I am so wrong and evil at the core.  It is just hard.  But then I realize that Jesus is in me.  He is perfect.  Therefore, there is something good in me.  What a relief.

Why He loves me is still a mystery.  I think that it always will be.  But that is okay.  The mystery of His love is what makes it so amazing.  "I don't know how you swallow all I am, when I can't stand my taste".  That is exactly how I feel right now.